The Scar Story From Ben
by BettyHT
Summary: Adam has a little scar on his upper lip and how he got it is explained in The Scar but this is Ben's story of that scar.


The Scar Story from Ben

My son Adam is a complex man. I seldom know what is going on behind those eyes that seem to see everything. I very much failed to see what the problem was this year as Easter neared. It was only on Adam's birthday that the truth hit me between the eyes. As I sat at the breakfast table for the fifth time that week without my eldest in attendance, I was angry that he had so little consideration for us that he wouldn't sit down to meals with us. He left early and came back after dinner. At first Hop Sing had been angry with him too but something changed and by midweek, Hop Sing was holding a plate for him on the warming shelf above the stove. Adam would eat in there and then head to his bedroom. I had no delusion that he was going to sleep. He was just avoiding us or as I came to realize, he was avoiding me with the one thing I could hardly forbid him to do: he spent all those hours working.

Every morning this week, Adam has been up early and doing his chores. He left each day before his brothers were even awake. Today they saw him before he left and Joe said he didn't say goodbye but only that he was going to do the repairs we had discusses. I never even got to say 'Happy birthday' to him and he was gone no doubt to return as late as the other nights. Well tonight was to be his birthday dinner and if he thinks I'm going to let that slide, he doesn't know me very well.

Joe and Hoss have been my salvation this week with all of their excitement over Easter. Hop Sing has boiled eggs and the boys are going to help color them today. I have some chocolates in my room to gift to them on Easter after church services. I needed to give Hop Sing some time to clean up after breakfast and prepare for the egg coloring so I sent my youngest out to chop wood to fill the bins in the kitchen. Unlike Adam, they seem unaware of how well I can hear them with the window over my desk open to let in the mild spring breeze. When I hear Hoss talking in answer to Joe's query about the argument that Adam and I had last year on his birthday, I suddenly found it hard to breathe.

"Well, all right. Pa lit into Adam last year for being sad on his birthday. He said there was no reason for Adam to grieve on his birthday as he had never known his mother. Pa said he had grieved just as Pa had for the other two wives he had lost, you know, our ma's but that Adam didn't know what that grief was like. Well Adam done lost it then. He got real mad. He said no of course I don't. I just feel guilty on my birthday when I see tears in your eyes and realize it's because of me. And I never got to grieve for Hoss' ma because when I did cry you said 'Don't cry, son, or you'll make me cry' so I didn't. I held it all inside and never let it out. Then when Joe's ma died, you fell apart in your grief so I couldn't grieve then either. I had to take care of the ranch and Hoss and Joe while you were wallowing in your grief.' And that's when Pa hit him, and not a slap neither but he used his fist and hit him in the mouth. Now sometimes I'd like to hit him in the mouth too but not when he's a telling me how he feels."

How could I have forgotten what had happened with Adam that day? What must my son be feeling? We never resolved that argument. I hit him, and he left for a week. When he returned, he said he didn't want to talk about it. I meant to get into that conversation with him at some point but I failed in that regard. I spent most of that day lost in thought. I composed and then rewrote in my mind at least a dozen times the speech I needed to give to my son. I expected him to be late and wasn't surprised when he wasn't there at dinner. I tried to have a normal meal with my two younger sons but I could see how disappointed they were. I sent Joe to bed at the usual time but suspected he wouldn't be going to sleep. That young one has a short fuse and holds a grudge. Hopefully, if I accomplished what I hoped with Adam, Joe and Hoss would be feeling better before this evening was done.

The sound of a horse's hooves let me know Adam was home. I looked out the study window and all I saw was the downcast set of his head and shoulders. My son was hurting and I was the only one who could help. I grabbed my jacket and headed out to the stable to see him. He was standing next to Sport feeding him sweet grain when I entered the barn.

"Hello, son. We missed you at dinner, and I know I'm the reason for that. I have something to say and it's a year late so I hope you can forgive me. I've been told that when I'm angry, I lose my sense of hearing. I think it may affect my vision too because what I missed last year was all the hurt and grief that was inside you. I denied it was there because I didn't want that to be true. You are not the reason for my teary eyes on your birthday. You are the reason that my grief over losing your mother was not all encompassing. She lives in you. I loved you from the moment I first held you and I always will. I never knew how my words affected a six-year-old. I didn't know that the wall you built up around your heart was built from my words. I was blinded by my own needs and didn't see how a boy with no home who lost the only mother he had ever known would be devastated perhaps even more than I was. I can never make that right but I am so sorry I acted that way. And yes, I did the same to Joe and Hoss when Marie died and left you to take care of everything. I was wrong, but in my depression, I didn't realize what I had done. By the time I regained my good sense, you seemed fine and I never suspected that you were doing that to help me."

My son Adam tried to reassure me then that he never meant for me to feel guilty. He just wanted me to understand how he felt. Finally I did. Acknowledging his needs seemed to go a long way in lifting his spirits. I asked if he could celebrate his birthday with us as we all loved him and wanted to enjoy some time with him. He gave me one of those crooked little grins he has and I knew things were better between us. I hugged him then and in the darkness of the stable with no witnesses, I got a rare hug in return. We groomed Sport together and talked over the back of his chestnut horse about what he had done that week. I commended him on all that he had accomplished and he dipped his head a little in embarrassment over the praise. Apparently I did too little of that with him too. We left the stable, and he allowed me to walk with my arm around his shoulders. I saw Joe at his window and suspected he had planned a verbal assault on his brother, but apparently he had reconsidered because he remained as a silent witness.

Once inside, I sent Hoss up to get Joe. I knew he was awake, but the energy that one has is amazing. He came flying down those stairs and before I could yell at him for it, he leaped into Adam's arms and hugged him. Now Joe is the only one who can seem to hug Adam without him flinching out of it but he had rarely done it since Adam had returned from college. This was a welcome sight indeed and I saw Hoss standing on the landing grinning at the same thing that caused my heart to swell. Joe begged for Adam to play so we could sing to him. Now Adam is a fine singer and I'm sure our enthusiastic although discordant singing was difficult for him to hear, but he accepted the motive if not the gift with his usual aplomb.

Hop Sing brought out a cake with candles ablazing and we had a good time. Hoss ate three pieces of cake and then wondered if he could have another because there was still some left. I said no because we could have the rest for a rare dessert with breakfast. He was so disappointed, we all had to laugh at the look on his face. On my eldest son's face though was a look of peace and calm I had not seen in a while. Joe had asked if that scar on his lip from where I hit him a year ago still hurt and he looked at Hoss and then at me before smiling and assuring Joe it didn't hurt any more. Hoss and I both knew he was talking about more than that scar.


End file.
